This isn’t your typical, post that has sunshine and rainbows. This is a painfully honest post that will probably make you feel uncomfortable. And I’m writing it unapologetically.

Things I would like people to know about a mom that lost her son to suicide 8 months ago:

No, I’m not okay. I feel like I must hold it together for everyone, for my husband, children, work, etc. and some days it feels like an insurmountable amount of pressure. Some days I skim by, and some days I suck at it. I need grace on the days I fail. Most days I feel a huge accomplishment just getting out of bed.

Now, since you’re thinking, “Wow, she needs help!” You’re right. I do need help and not afraid to say it. Me, along with everyone else in my family is in counseling right now. But it doesn’t make it better right away. Sometimes it makes it worse because it forces me to deal with the pain.

Just because I smile, laugh, and don’t cry all day long doesn’t mean I’m doing well. I have to keep it together until I’m around people I can trust. And these days, there’s not that many.

I have guilt every single day of my life. I feel guilty that I couldn’t save my son. I feel guilty that right now I can’t give  to my other kids. I feel guilty when I stay in bed with depression, and I feel guilty when I try and go out to have a good time to get my mind off things.

Please stop telling me time will make it better. I know you’re trying to help, but right now time has made things worse. Life goes on for everyone else, but we’re still stuck in the torment that Max is never coming back. I must watch my husband and kids face mental anguish all the while feeling like I have to fix it , because that’s what Mom’s do. But I can’t.

There’s no place I can go where I don’t think about things like “We’re having Max’s favorite food for dinner”, “He would have loved to have gone on this trip with us”, “Oh, there’s the high school golf team, he was supposed to be on that team”, “That kid has hair just like Max’s”.

Please stop saying things like “It must have been God’s will to take Max when he did”. That doesn’t help because I’m still struggling with the reason why God allowed a 14 year old boy to do this to himself in the first place. There will never be an answer to this question.

I don’t need advice on what you would do in my situation. You may think you know how you’d handle the same scenario, but you don’t. There’s very few people that can give me advice on this and it’s the people in my “Moms of Suicide” group. Others can keep their judgement and opinions to themselves.

Specifically to a lot of my fellow West Michiganders, whose main concern is keeping up appearances, I’d like to say, “Bless your heart”.  I’m sorry, not sorry that Max’s death has made you uncomfortable and embarrassed. But not talking about the horrific results of suicide doesn’t make it stop happening. I beg of you, please stop being ashamed to talk about mental health.

And for those moms out there struggling, for whatever reason, I SEE YOU and will leave you with this quote. “Some days she’s a warrior. Some days she’s a broken mess. Most days she’s a bit of both, but everyday she’s there. Standing. Fighting. Trying”.